Broken wings

So I originally started this blog to talk about my endeavors to start a little craft business, but the more I write here the more I realize its about me too. Its so you can get to know me. And so here I am.

One of the things I really really struggle with is a very severe anxiety disorder. And if you have never experienced an anxiety attack its so easy to be skeptical. Let me explain, Its like an overwhelming fire that starts high in your stomach and spreads through your lungs. Air is a non factor. It won't come in and you cannot get it out fast enough. The lurch in the pit of your stomach could roll anyone. Your heart begins to hurt. Your throat is absolutely on fire and closes.

There is an actual biological thing happening here too. Your brain is telling your lungs you need more oxygen and you start to breath faster. But you aren't actually breathing deeply enough to get rid of the CO2. So your lungs tell your brain that you still aren't breathing enough you need more oxygen, and the more you breathe the dizzier and dizzier you get. Hyperventilation.

And your mind - is gone. Its racing over and over and over. No logic. No sense. Just the same terrifying thought(s). You cannot change it. You can't actually die of an anxiety attack, but I promise you, you'll wish to be dead. Its easy to scoff, which makes experiencing one even worse. Because the majority of people really don't understand. They want you to just stop. You can't. You really can't. Its paralyzing. You would rather sit at home and hide then live, for fear of running into a trigger and even more importantly having this happen to you in public. That alone can trip it.

I struggle with this every day. I am the most logical and practical person. And every day I have to plan out my logic to try and ward off the attack. Some time it works and so many times it doesn't. Including today. so Today you are all my support. Talking to you is my attempt to focus my way out of this. Here are my broken wings. Please don't judge them to harshly.

Did I do the time warp?

It is only 1230 and I'm done with everthing in this office that I can do. It doesn't help that one of the doctors made the coffee this morning and you could stand a spoon in it. Oh my god I can actually hear my hair vibrating. I think there is a chance I've been moving on fast fwd. However, I still gotta coast through 4 more hours. . . *pause for deep sigh*

On the upside, I got my first piece of mail addressed to Jennifer Aberli of The Lucky Duck last night. I was so excited. Look out reality I'm making a crash landing! I also started reading Home Based Business for Dummies. . . Its actually pretty good. I feel like a dork but . . . I am. A touch on the pretentious side, but a dork never the less.

So here we are. . . I'm going out of my mind. I could be doing so much. I need to get a better avatar picture. I need to retouch photos. I have a blanket I'm working on. Its sunny out and I could be shooting pictures with a kidnapped camera ( >:) )just let me out of here. ok I'm done now. The take home point being, I'm ready to go.

3 hours 45 minutes. . .

Hearts!

I have two Hearts!!! ok let me explain, my little shop that I am building has been marked by two wonderful people as a favorite! I'm so excited. I'm still creating but someone actually two someones have their eyes on my little shop! I am sure this makes little sense to some of you, but if you look up www.etsy.com or even better theluckyduck.etsy.com, you can see what I am talking about. Hooray! What a great way to start a monday!

Computer Blues

ok, thats it, I've officially given up hope for my ancient(6 year old) computer. It is dead and gone, it has ceased to be. It is a late computer. *pauses for a moment of silence*

So of course I have this lovely blooming inspiration for my online business, I've made awesome discoveries of new online sight that i am completely addicted to, have access to a beautiful Nikon D60 digital camera and therefore so many shots I want to polish and edit and create and trusty college computer has bitten the dust.

And now begins the search and longing for a new computer. I know it have certain "specs" but I can't say with any confidence that I know why. I just bob my head and make a another post-it-note reminder (wouldn't a blackberry be a good idea). 2 gigs RAM. Video/graphics card. Not a Mac. . .

And then there is the saving up and the Christmas wishing. Why, dear computer, did you have to kick the virtual bucket? Did I ask so much of you. . . ok yeah I did. But still. . .

Ode to a computer search. *crosses fingers tight and wishes* come on new computer, Find Me!

Tá mo chroí istigh ionat

. . . I don't understand. Not doubt, not disbelief, I just don't understand. How, through perfect eyes, do you not see broken? I know you feel my pain, I can't help but share it with you. . . but you stay, hold me closer. What do I have to offer? When you have seen the stars in the skies at their finest, sunrises and sets in their creation. I'm not a star. I'm not a rose. I'm not even a reflection of the sun or a crystal drop of rain. . . Yet you cling to me. Protection. Unquestionable love. . . . Don't you ever question. . . What can I give. . . Why? My heart and soul, they are as faded and broken as the rest of me, but they are yours if you want. I'd give you every thing dear angel, but it isn't much. I hurt, My angel. My heart and soul do too, are you so sure you want that. . .

Please never leave me. I beg with all my selfishness. I cannot stand with out you.

. . . aingeal coimhdeachta, Tá mo chroí istigh ionat . . .

My "Real Job"?

Ah the "real" job environment. Lets face it, for me, its where I sit daydreaming about etsy, browsing the forums, and making notes of what I need to do later. Now I don't want to give the impression that I'm lazy and undermotivated, its just this job. . . well it takes me about two hours to do what should fill up 8. And I can't just sit here and stare.

So today I discovered Twitter. I'm very excited because I am currently following 67 people and have 12 followers myself. Its exciting "getting out there". The etsy community is so interesting. The support everyone seems to offer is amazing. I hate to sound like I am waxing philosophical here, but you really are part of something bigger, but you as a crafter/artist really matter. I cannot get the Lucky Duck off the ground soon enough.

So to everyone who has peeked at my page and stopped by thank you so much and welcome!

dóchas

To My Guardian Angel

. . . I watched the stars last night. I thought that you might be watching them too. Maybe we sighed gazing at the same star. What do the stars look like from way up there? And once you've seen the light of stars so close, does the rest look dull.

I wished that I could be wrapped in your arms, folded in your wings. My soul is so restless with out your peace. I wonder, in your perfect eyes, do I look broken? Can you see it all? My heart breaks just thinking of what you can see. You have everything before you, and still you hold me.

Dear Angel, I can't breathe with out you. My heart beats along to yours, following. I can't remember how life was before you, how many people find their angels? What makes me so different. . . I don't deserve you dear Angel.

But. . . you are my most perfect treasure. Love that brings tears to my eyes. To your eyes. Dear Angel don't cry. . . its raining.

I love you. . .

Rainy Evening

Last night was an ideal October night. Easy rain falling through chill air. Brushing down leaves, it all looked like a painting to me. Its a bit melodramatic I confess, but I couldn't help musing staring out the window of my favorite book store with hot tea in hand. And to be fair, we were actually there to work on the duck. And we did, amidst stiffled giggles browsing through books of all types, some a bit blush worthy. . .
. . . ahem...
All summed up it was a great night for ducks. Between dodging puddles and grinning through shivers, we took more steps. Splish Splash

Alright, I know I already spilled for the day, but I just started setting up my shop on Etsy! I got chills! Its like shopping for your wedding dress, when you 'just know its the One'. This is it. This is my One. I just wanted to share. Its real!

"So Let it be written. . . "

Alright. I'm sticking to it. I have begun setting dates and deadlines for myself and my "pet duck". Its that scary next step and I'm poised and ready to go. Flight date will be February 22, 2009. Reality hits then.
I won't bore you with individual details of every little step date, but I set them! And I am so very excited. Also the nice lady at Staples is all up to date on the situation too. I am definately one of those people that needs someone to talk to while I shop. I can't help it, its in my nature. She was so nice to ask if I needed help while staring at planners and pens. Thats all I needed, she broke the ice, she really has herself to blame. . . blah blahblah. I realized after the fact that it was almost on out of body experience. I was looking down just dying to bop myself and shush the rambling idiot, but I couldn't. And I'm sure it was an out of body experience for her too, I was probably driving her out of her mind. (I tried to warn you about the bad humor)
Anywya, rambling aside, I am very happpy to announce the goal launch date for the Lucky Duck and I hope you all enjoy the ride there with me.
So let it be written, so let it be done.

Step by Step

Evidently the new chill in the air has been more of a distraction than I realized. Leaves are changing and pumpkins are springing up on steps and countertops all over. After spending two days peeling apples and making pies, and dumplings, and crisps, and applesauce. . . well it took a few days for my hands to uncramp from the paring knife position.

But between falling leves and cinnamon shakers, my mind hasn't strayed far from the Lucky Duck. I can at least claim a few more sketches and a new collection of sticky note reminders. I need to learn how to build my banner, start a little website for the Duck, put together a few sample projects. Functional art. Think pretty and practical. I can scribble down ideas and possabilities for hours, but . . . functional art needs to form. Its the scary next step.

I've spent so long trying to decide what I wanted to do when I "grew up" and now it seems I have landed my answer. (Sorry about the pun. I can't be held responsible for ill attempts at humor. Don't worry, you'll get use to it.) But I do have the answer. Its just the getting there. Step by step. Even if they are small. Baby steps. Its something.

I will continue to draw my inspiration from those around me and as the storms of autumn inspire warm apple dumplings, hot tea and a cozy spot on the couch, I can only hope that storm of ideas and thoughts and goals and dreams continue to come. I'll get there. Step by Step.